The Note on the Sink
My team tore me apart. My husband put me back together. The note he left is why I lead the way I do today.
My boss hadn’t told anyone that she hired somebody. That somebody happened to be me. So, on the day I started, all of her direct reports were suddenly my direct reports. No explanation. No warning. No time to process. You have a new boss.
The team responded as you might expect. During a new leader acclimation process (30 days in), I got torn up.
“Has she ever led a program before?”
“She tries to manage me in a systematic way vs each individual”
“What is the point of her role?”
In the moment, I listened to the feedback, and thanked them for it.
On my drive home, that’s when the tears started. I had to stop at a walk-up hamburger stand for over an hour because I couldn’t see the road to drive.
My wonderful family met me there and I told them what happened. They listened. They asked questions. They didn’t judge. They sat with me and let me have my feelings.
When I awoke the next morning, I had a note on my bathroom sink from my husband. In it, he laid out all the reasons why this event didn’t matter. Why all those things that were said didn’t matter.
“Your role and the people you work with do not define you.
This doesn’t have anything to do with you but with others’ egos.
You have a family at home that loves you, even on your bad days.”
It also laid out what did matter.
My character. My family. My friends. That’s it.
“You’re not doing wrong, you’re working on doing right. Keep your head up.”
I wish I could tell you I quickly understood the universal truth of this and gave less thought to what others believed of me, but I hadn’t started my Stoic journey yet.
My husband’s note had separated who I was from how work was going. It was the first time I had the clarity to separate who I was from what people thought of me at work.
For the first time in my life, I realized I did not need any external validation.
All I needed was to live up to the person I wanted to be, and go home and love my family.
So, I persevered and kept those kind, necessary, and true words from my husband close to me. And over time, the people who were so critical, began to see what kind of leader and person I was.
They were sad when I left. Hell, my boss wept when I turned in my notice.
If someone at work is trying to make you feel like you’re the problem, don’t let them. Your character is not on their scorecard.
Don’t be afraid of verbal abuse or criticism. Let the quality of your deeds speak on your behalf. We can’t control the impressions others form about us, and the effort to do so only debases our character. – Epictetus