The Necessary Conversation

He didn't want to lead. His boss let him anyway. His team paid the price.

A week into a new job, I had an hour set aside to meet each of the people leaders in my org.

For forty-five minutes, he told me all about himself. How he liked taking unknowns and making them known, finding out right away whether he got it right. How he stacked up against his peers, and why he came out ahead. I gave him room to bring up his team. He didn’t, so I had to ask.

“Tell me about your team.”

“They have a lot to learn. I explain things as best I can, but one of them just isn’t good at math. The other one doesn’t try very hard.”

“So why did you want to be a leader?”

“Truthfully, I didn’t. I thought it was the only way to make more money.”

Finally, something that made sense.

Not everyone should be a leader.

Read that again. Not everyone should be a leader. I’m not saying they can’t. I’m saying they shouldn’t.

I have empathy for this man. I also see the harm he does to his team every day he sits in that seat. And it isn’t really his fault. The leader who put him there owed him the truth and a way forward, and gave him neither.

The kind, true, and necessary thing would have been to say it plainly. Leadership isn’t about you. It’s about the team, and building one that delivers what only they can. If this is only about money, it’s a heavy commitment for a small raise. A senior IC role, or a more technical one, might be the better path.

No one said that to him. So, he sits in a seat he isn’t suited for, underperforming, his team paying for it every day, and he can feel he’s falling short.

His boss thought he was being kind. He wasn’t. Letting someone sit in the wrong seat to avoid one uncomfortable conversation isn’t kindness. It’s the most expensive thing you can do to a person, to their team, to the business, and to yourself.

The hard thing is the kind thing.

That boss reported to me. It would have been easier to have the conversation for him, but that wouldn’t have been the necessary thing: coaching him through it himself. He needs to grow too. That’s the point.

Do you have someone like this reporting to you right now?

You probably already know who. The necessary conversation you keep putting off is the kindest thing you have to give them.

And there’s more at stake than one career. There’s a reason 57% of Gen Z professionals are steering clear of management, and 67% call it high stress and low reward (Robert Walters). They’ve been watching. Most of what passes for leadership is someone holding a seat for themselves, for the title, for the paycheck. That job is exhausting and thankless, and they’re right to refuse it.

But that was never leadership. Leading for the team is a different job and a better one. They don’t have the right role models to show them how impactful good leadership can be. Show them the real thing, and watch who steps forward.

What is not good for the swarm is not good for the bee. – Marcus Aurelius